Conversation with a Soccer Mom

I was at the park with my four-year-old daughter, otherwise known as E, while my older  child was at school.  While I was there another mother was there with an approximately same-aged daughter and our daughters started to play.  This mother looked like she had been imported from a Gap commercial.  Or Utah.  She was wearing pressed khakis for heaven sake.  E wants to play soccer in the fall so I decided I might as well learn to converse with the elder of the soccer species.  And for awhile it went alright.  Until we got into writing.  She asked what I do so I told her about my job at Disney.  Then she asked if I have any hobbies.  The rest of the conversation went like this.

Me:  Yes.  I like to scrapbook, I like swing dancing, all dancing really.  And I write.

S.M.:  Write?  Like papers for a class?

Me:  No, I graduated a long time ago.  I write stories.

S.M.:  Oh, you’re a journalist!

Me:  No.  I used to be a journalist.  I didn’t like it.  There were too many rules.  I write books.

S.M.:  (She takes a long time to answer this, as though she has to take some time to recall what a book is.  After her blond eyebrows go up and down enough times to convince me that this constitutes her typical display of range of emotion she says,) Oh, like a biography or something.

Me:  No.  I don’t even read biographies, let alone write them.  I write fiction.

S.M.:  (She finally smiles at me) Have you ever had a book on Oprah’s book club.

Me:  (I don’t bother to give her my opinion of lit fic or Oprah’s wildly romance free book club.)  I write romantic suspense and series mysteries.

S.M.:  What’s a series mystery?

Me:  Like Jill Churchill.  (No expression from her) Uh, Stephanie Plum Mysteries.  (A slightly wrinkled nose)  Agatha Christie?

S.M.:  Oh, I read one of those in middle school.

Me:  It’s sort of like that.  (except not at all)

S.M.:  So you also write romances?

Me:  Yes.  Romantic suspense.

S.M.:  Like…where the pirates rips her dress.

Me:  I don’t really do pirates.  Or dress ripping.  (I don’t even bother, at this point, trying to explain the changed landscape of romance to her)

S.M.:  So what do you write about?

Me:  Mostly murder, to be honest.

S.M.:  (Glancing at her daughter)  Murder?

Me:  I’m not a murderer.  I just write about it.

S.M.:  Of course.  (laughing nervously)

Me:  I also write about human relationships.  You know, love.

S.M.:  Love and murder?  That’s…different.

Me:  You should read a romantic suspense (I venture into this territory, deciding I will start her with something soft.)  Try a Harlequin Intrigue.  Later, if you like it, I would recommend Erica Spindler.

S.M.:  (Avoiding looking in my eyes)  Maybe I will.

Me:  (Avoiding laughter) Okay.  Well, you do that.

S.M. calls her daughter, who has a very trendy name, just as I would have expected.  They flee the park in desperation that I may either try to kill them and/or rip their bodices.

Me: (to E) Do you want a Happy Meal?

E:  Yeah.

Mother and daughter off to eat carcinogens.  Nothing like a day at the park.




Filed under AJ, writing

21 responses to “Conversation with a Soccer Mom

  1. ROFL, AJ! I can only imagine…

  2. bphearts

    Have I mentioned today that I adore you and you make my sides hurt from repressing laughter in the workplace?

    *sigh* I would so love to have been there.
    I’ve only started trying to explain myself… I’m much more bold now than a year ago. Not sure you can force understanding though[some people just don’t get it!]. Maybe if you’d dropped a big name… like Nora Roberts 😉 Your all-time favorite. LOL.

  4. People who don’t read scare me more than murdering pirates who try to rip my bodice.

  5. We have our own little world of terminology I guess. 🙂 I think you did very well!

  6. Thing is, they have apple dippers in those Happy Meals now, so you have that going for you.

    I’ve given up the notion of trying to educate those who insist upon being insulting and have decided, in stead, to be a snooty wench.

    I make fun of them. Right in their faces. If they are in any way disaparaging I pull rank and shove my education, bank account, and quicker wit right down their gullet.

    Tough. You were nicer than I would have been. LOL

    I don’t know what her daughter’s name was but I would bet my Mini Cooper she dots her “I’s” with hearts or a smiley faces.


  7. This is why I don’t talk to other people.

  8. inezkelley

    ROFLMAO I love you, Jammers!

    Next time you see her, tell you write erotica. And take your camera. I would love to see a picture of her face when you drop that bombshell.

  9. Strangely enough, most people just dont’ get romance. They either smile and you know they read them or look completely lost. Why is that??? Romances account for nearly 55% or more of mass market paperback sales… you’d think we’d get better press.

  10. Ok I agree with every comment before me 😀
    hhehehehehe “I’m not a murderer, I just write about it.”


    I don’t understand why people can be so strange over writing. Ah well.

  11. talesfromthecrit

    Me either Maria. You’d think we act out every little murder and bizarre sexual position before we write it. 😉

  12. talesfromthecrit

    Well, Chrissy. I’ve got the education and wit but she was clearly doing better in the bank account. She was funny though. The whole thing was funny. I was repressing laughter almost the entire time. And I won’t say the little girl’s name for fear of offending someone with a daughter of the same name (or a character of the same name, LOL) but you can bet she will be using hearts. But then again my daughter might be too. Her first word was pink. *rolls eyes* and every time she’s pretending to write I ask her what she’s writing and she tells me, “A book.” So I ask her what its about and she invariably tells me, “It’s about I love you.” So she may be another romance writer in the making *bwah, ha, ha.*


  13. We…don’t?

    You mean I can sell off my sex toy collection on e-bay and stop renting the body storage locker?

  14. talesfromthecrit

    And my daughter’s name has two I’s in it. Plenty of opportunity for hearts. 😉

  15. talesfromthecrit

    Don’t make any rash moves Em. But just for the record, how big is the locker and what toys have you got? You know my number. *call me.*

  16. That is hilarious. People act as if we, the breed who read and can also write, are more foreign than the immigrants. So taboo! (oprah’s club. I would not have been able to contain my laughter.)
    I imagine that not only her appearance but her demeanor made you think of GAP, cuz those mannequin’s have sticks up their butts.

  17. LOL! You’re too funny. She definitely sounds like a woman who doesn’t have enough murderous pirates in her life.

  18. Bwahahaha! Nope, that’s all i’m gonna say.

  19. Nell Dixon

    Fun! Got to love the non-readers.

  20. I almost spit coffee out my nose. So glad I’m not alone 🙂

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