I birthed demon spawn

I did. Scary and embarrassing, but the truth. And I did this feat not once but three times. Call me an over achiever.

First, let’s discuss Spawnetta. I was bound and determined she would be the perfect little girl, Shirley Temple for the masses. Yeah, what was I smokin’? This is the child that once potty trained, walked to the front of the church, pulled her dress over her head and announced, “Look, I have little girl panties now. Mommy wears big ones.”

*shakes head*

Then let’s talk about the Princess Phase that lated for three years. SHe had every Disney Princess costume known to child. And she wore them. Everywhere. I took Pocahontas to the grocery store, Cinderella to the Doctor, Ariel to the bank–complete with flipper!  Did you know a Belle Gown gets you an extra sucker at the Mall from a smiling clerk? Yep. And Mulan makes the Chinese restaurant not charge you for your kids meal.

Speaking of money… Yeah, Picture this. December 23. Mama cleaning like a mad woman. Phone rings. KNOWING my spawnetta, I put the cleaners up high so she can’t touch them. So she gets the water mister I use for plants. And ‘cleans’ the back of the TV. *poof* Smoke and sparks bring me running. Dead TV. Just before Christmas, a non-budgeted major purchase. Grrrr.

Two months later, she decides her BetaFish needs to watch Little Mermaid with her. Scoops him out of the bowl and puts his finny butt in a Dixie cup. Dixie cup goes on top of her TV. *poof* Dead TV #2.

I could go on forever, but…FASTFORWARD

Spawnetta is now 10. TEN! Straight A student, growing into a beauty and evil as the night is long. I swear there is no creature on earth as foul as a preteen-teenaged girl. They are catty. Her mouth is a sharp as mine, her IQ higher and her room a trash dump. Literally. If I clean it, 6 full trash bags are normal. She is a pig. With burgeoning boobs! You know what that means. Hormone hell. One minute she is crying and the next, laughing like a banshee. Grumpy as a bear or happy as a lark, it changes by the minute. According to her doctor, this is normal. NORMAL?!? God save me now because I don’t think I can handle 16 if this is 10. Not without a Valium drip.

OKay, moving on because I scared myself…

Spawn#1 & #2. Yeah, two. Twins. Because I can’t do anything the easy way. Nope, not me.

First, they came almost 3 months early after wrecking my body. I used to have a waist. Now I have a front butt. Joy.

A small list:

Total hospital bill=+$400,000.00

Specializes therapy and equipment=$50,000

DIAPERS!!= WAYYYY TOOO MUCH. And they wouldn’t potty train until after age three.

Two flushed cell phones in one week. =$150

A camcorder that now resembles electronic spaghetti = $300

Bathing the cat =$225 vet bill = new shower curtains

broken window =$125

Refrigerator door replacement after climbing on the shelves like a ladder=$315

Repainted living room, kitchen, dining and bedroom after getting a hold of a permanent marker? =$250

Phone call to Greece left off the hook =$15 (boy are they lucky)

A total of 4 (FOUR) VCR/DVD players that got fed everything from oatmeal to crayons? =$600

Yeah, basically, my boys are NEVER getting an allowance. When they ask, I am giving them a bill.

Boys are not evil. Boys are DESTRUCTIVE! and DIRTY! These two pee on each other outside. They spit in the dirt, mix it and use it as war paint. They think Ketchup beards are funny. They routinely call each other Poopiebutt and laugh while sitting on the others head.

They are only four and have already decided they can eat twice their collective weight in groceries DAILY. I am forcing them to get a fast food job and eat there as soon as possible before they eat me out of house and home. My grocery bill has doubled in a year!

Did you know…..

That those lightweight el-cheapo beach balls can actually break a glass picture frame?

Dresser drawers make great racecars but rip carpet?

Ketchup is in a food group all by itself?

Crayon wipes off the TV screen very easily? Crayon does NOT wipe off the wooden window sill easily at all?

Raisins fit in your nose? So do peas. And bugs.

Banana slices will stick to the wall when flung from high chair height?

If you press your mouth to a window screen and hum, it vibrates?

Milk and baby oil don’t mix? And the carpet gets REALLY nasty. (add new carpeting to above list =$1400)

Apparently it is loads of fun to take all your videos out of the cabinet and open them. It is even more fun to then throw the movie cases in the trash. DVD make good frisbes.

If you press your mouth tightly on the peachtree door glass after mommy has cleaned it, you can make farting noises with your mouth.

Mommy’s forgot make-up case sitting on the bathroom floor is one way to get another bath, make Mommy say bad words under her breath, and spend two hours scrubbing the bathroom walls.

Are you aware that a 24 pound, 33 inch toddler can fit on the lower shelf inthe refridgerator? I am now. His brother fits nicely in the dryer you are trying to unload clothes from.

Also, if Spawnetta forgets and leaves her door open, they have a field day with the crayons and markers and the wall, throwing Barbie cack everywhere, disassembling her display shelf and water painting each other using saliva as water.

Also if her room is open, you will hear a click, a loud buzz and then echoing laughter as the know how to turn on her karaoke machine.

Giant leggos fit very nicely in Daddy’s work boots. So do matchbox cars. He yells really loud.

So yeah, I birth the Spawn of Satan three times, in three different incarnations. And I wouldn’t change them for the world. I will however accept any and all offers of alcohol.



Filed under Inez

22 responses to “I birthed demon spawn

  1. I’m cured!! I no longer feel the urge to add another to my small brood.

  2. um…but you DO wear big girl panties. Just sayin’…*G*

  3. Excellent post.

    Did you know that three litres of full fat milk poured on to a tan carpet* = additional 3 litres of water poured on by husband trying to “make it so it wouldn’t smell later”, a broken steam cleaner borrowed from a friend** and a frantic trip to the shops to buy a €220 carpet washer.***?

    That’s what you get for trying to have a lie on one Saturday morning when DH says “they’ll be grand. Let them go downstairs”. Little did we know they would want to get breakfast themselves.

    *because once you’ve emptied the half finished carton on the floor you have to go and open the brand new carton to complete the job – the carpet came with the house – pale carpets + children = BAD

    ** she broke it, thank God, not us!

    *** at this stage I realised the cheap ones just weren’t going to hack it.

  4. Elaina

    ROFL….sorry to laugh! I have two boys, 4 & 7, and you hit THAT nail right on the head! Your daughter sounds like a Diva already 😉 Good luck!

  5. OMG! ROFLMAO! I’m gonna have to leave this up for my husband to read later. ROFL!

    Sandy 🙂

  6. I love reading stuff like this.

    It makes being single and childless rather less of a burden. 😉

    Thanks for the morning laugh, Inez. I needed that.

  7. My husband and I have joked around that it might be for the best that our children will be adopted, because I have no desire to give birth to the Antichrist.
    You know they always say that your kids are your punishment for how you behaved as a kid. Now I have to wonder what one of my older sisters did when she was growing up. The younger brother’s little hellspawn are almost worth the aggravation he gave me when we were kids.

    Sorry, Inez. My oldest sis has twin boys. They will be 12 this fall. All I can offer is my sympathy. And a hug. (((Inez)))

  8. {{hugs}} Parenting = the hardest job you’ll ever love. And yes, six bags of garbage from a pre-teen girl’s bedroom is about right, and don’t worry, ketchup is considered a vegetable serving, even if they lick it off their chins.

  9. I can only recommend that you enjoy the chattiness of a pre-teen. After the teen years start they refuse to talk with you but insist on talking to everyone but you. So the chatty child that is driving you nuts now will soon be the child you WISHED would chat your ears off.

    Mother of a 16 y/o.

    Oh and there is nothing better than having family members swear that your child will be the next unabomber. All because he LOATHES his teachers. (well some of them anyhow).

    Personally, I remember that phase and can recall daydreaming of several teachers to roll their cars off cliffs. Sadly, living in our small hometown, the only cliffs nearby are about 1000 miles away.

  10. talesfromthecrit

    As the mother of an autistic child most of his behaviorisms are insanely destructive. But most aren’t cute. Your boys sounds like they’re just energetic and fun. For some odd reason my boy used to pee in cups and leave them sitting around. Go figure. Fun stuff, this blog.


  11. *Hugs Lil J until he’s blue in the face.*

    LMAO! Seriously. And people wonder I don’t want MORE.

    Hugs Inez. Really. I did have the markers and wall painting phase with him when he was about three. Bought the .10 spiral notebooks that they put out for the school year. Fixed it right up. I have no help for any of the other things though… 😦

    And I can’t stop laughing. So sorrrry!

  12. That’s why God made them look so damn sweet while they are sleeping. Takes away all of those urges to sell them on the black market 😉

    Oh, and those things you mentioned fitting in noses, also fit well in the ear canal. Just a little forewarning 🙂

  13. What? Those little angels? It’s all lies, I bet.
    😉 {{{Inez}}} You’re my hero.

  14. See, there’s a reason I don’t have kids. So when my nieces start acting like demon spawnetta, I can hand them back to my sister. “Here, these are yours.”


  15. *hands over enormous bottle of vodka*

    holy cow.

  16. Michael

    Now you know why animals eat their young.
    Daniel and Aeriel have pulled their share of stunts. Like when I told Daniel we didn’t need to go to the carwash since the car wasn’t dirty. No problem, nothing a few pails of mud won’t fix. My van looked like I had been off-roading.

  17. WOW!!!
    You must be a very patient mommy. 🙂

  18. Whenever I look at a little baby, I get the ‘wish I were a mommy blues’ and start feeling those hormones kick in. Then, I read stuff like this, and remember they grow up and you can’t give them back. 🙂

    Children sure are something, huh? 😉 Thanks for the laughs, Inez. *offers up her bottle of good rum*

  19. I’ve got three boys, 9, 7, & 2. I’ve started looking the other way. Then I get caught. Hubbie comes home and wonders why the two oldest are beating each other while the youngest is climbing up the back of the recliner to jump toward the ceiling fan. And speaking of ceiling fans… They are great fun for paper airplanes. They can get a really good tailspin going and beam a person in the forehead.
    Oh, and yeah, the Mentos and Diet Coke thing really does erupt like a volcano, and makes everything really sticky.

  20. You make me grateful that all 5 of mine are grown (or almost) and that I survived after all.

    You are so right about the things stuffed into video recorders but the things dropped in toilets are the worst! *Recollections of blocked toilets due to dolls/ cars being flushed* .

    Oh and you have obviously not got to the “lets help my siblings, OH look at all that blood!” stage 😀

  21. Lauren Bethany

    Oh the joys of boys. I have three and will add that peanut butter can stain ceilings, placing racecars on ceiling fan blades and turning on the fan can mean chipped teeth and broken lamps, cats are funny when they are dropped from high up and if you hold a turtle by it’s sides, let it thrash for a moment then put it down, it will walk backwards.

    Mommy wan’t lying when she said putting q-tips in your brother’s ear could hurt him, somtimes you need a doctor’s help to get bugs out of ears and it doesn’t matter if the ball fit down the toilet, it will still clog it.

    Teachers worry about your family situation when your kindergartener’s favorite song is “Dragula,” you can lose a small child under a mattress, and if you have to go in the sewers after him, wear warerproof boots.

  22. OMG! Now I don’t feel so alone. I have three boys – 13, 9, and 4. I laughed right along with your post. I’m sorry I missed it when you originally did it.

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