I did. Scary and embarrassing, but the truth. And I did this feat not once but three times. Call me an over achiever.
First, let’s discuss Spawnetta. I was bound and determined she would be the perfect little girl, Shirley Temple for the masses. Yeah, what was I smokin’? This is the child that once potty trained, walked to the front of the church, pulled her dress over her head and announced, “Look, I have little girl panties now. Mommy wears big ones.”
Then let’s talk about the Princess Phase that lated for three years. SHe had every Disney Princess costume known to child. And she wore them. Everywhere. I took Pocahontas to the grocery store, Cinderella to the Doctor, Ariel to the bank–complete with flipper! Did you know a Belle Gown gets you an extra sucker at the Mall from a smiling clerk? Yep. And Mulan makes the Chinese restaurant not charge you for your kids meal.
Speaking of money… Yeah, Picture this. December 23. Mama cleaning like a mad woman. Phone rings. KNOWING my spawnetta, I put the cleaners up high so she can’t touch them. So she gets the water mister I use for plants. And ‘cleans’ the back of the TV. *poof* Smoke and sparks bring me running. Dead TV. Just before Christmas, a non-budgeted major purchase. Grrrr.
Two months later, she decides her BetaFish needs to watch Little Mermaid with her. Scoops him out of the bowl and puts his finny butt in a Dixie cup. Dixie cup goes on top of her TV. *poof* Dead TV #2.
I could go on forever, but…FASTFORWARD
Spawnetta is now 10. TEN! Straight A student, growing into a beauty and evil as the night is long. I swear there is no creature on earth as foul as a preteen-teenaged girl. They are catty. Her mouth is a sharp as mine, her IQ higher and her room a trash dump. Literally. If I clean it, 6 full trash bags are normal. She is a pig. With burgeoning boobs! You know what that means. Hormone hell. One minute she is crying and the next, laughing like a banshee. Grumpy as a bear or happy as a lark, it changes by the minute. According to her doctor, this is normal. NORMAL?!? God save me now because I don’t think I can handle 16 if this is 10. Not without a Valium drip.
OKay, moving on because I scared myself…
Spawn#1 & #2. Yeah, two. Twins. Because I can’t do anything the easy way. Nope, not me.
First, they came almost 3 months early after wrecking my body. I used to have a waist. Now I have a front butt. Joy.
A small list:
Total hospital bill=+$400,000.00
Specializes therapy and equipment=$50,000
DIAPERS!!= WAYYYY TOOO MUCH. And they wouldn’t potty train until after age three.
Two flushed cell phones in one week. =$150
A camcorder that now resembles electronic spaghetti = $300
Bathing the cat =$225 vet bill = new shower curtains
broken window =$125
Refrigerator door replacement after climbing on the shelves like a ladder=$315
Repainted living room, kitchen, dining and bedroom after getting a hold of a permanent marker? =$250
Phone call to Greece left off the hook =$15 (boy are they lucky)
A total of 4 (FOUR) VCR/DVD players that got fed everything from oatmeal to crayons? =$600
Yeah, basically, my boys are NEVER getting an allowance. When they ask, I am giving them a bill.
Boys are not evil. Boys are DESTRUCTIVE! and DIRTY! These two pee on each other outside. They spit in the dirt, mix it and use it as war paint. They think Ketchup beards are funny. They routinely call each other Poopiebutt and laugh while sitting on the others head.
They are only four and have already decided they can eat twice their collective weight in groceries DAILY. I am forcing them to get a fast food job and eat there as soon as possible before they eat me out of house and home. My grocery bill has doubled in a year!
Did you know…..
That those lightweight el-cheapo beach balls can actually break a glass picture frame?
Dresser drawers make great racecars but rip carpet?
Ketchup is in a food group all by itself?
Crayon wipes off the TV screen very easily? Crayon does NOT wipe off the wooden window sill easily at all?
Raisins fit in your nose? So do peas. And bugs.
Banana slices will stick to the wall when flung from high chair height?
If you press your mouth to a window screen and hum, it vibrates?
Milk and baby oil don’t mix? And the carpet gets REALLY nasty. (add new carpeting to above list =$1400)
Apparently it is loads of fun to take all your videos out of the cabinet and open them. It is even more fun to then throw the movie cases in the trash. DVD make good frisbes.
If you press your mouth tightly on the peachtree door glass after mommy has cleaned it, you can make farting noises with your mouth.
Mommy’s forgot make-up case sitting on the bathroom floor is one way to get another bath, make Mommy say bad words under her breath, and spend two hours scrubbing the bathroom walls.
Are you aware that a 24 pound, 33 inch toddler can fit on the lower shelf inthe refridgerator? I am now. His brother fits nicely in the dryer you are trying to unload clothes from.
Also, if Spawnetta forgets and leaves her door open, they have a field day with the crayons and markers and the wall, throwing Barbie cack everywhere, disassembling her display shelf and water painting each other using saliva as water.
Also if her room is open, you will hear a click, a loud buzz and then echoing laughter as the know how to turn on her karaoke machine.
Giant leggos fit very nicely in Daddy’s work boots. So do matchbox cars. He yells really loud.
So yeah, I birth the Spawn of Satan three times, in three different incarnations. And I wouldn’t change them for the world. I will however accept any and all offers of alcohol.